It’s amazing what effect the words ‘you’re doing a great job’ have on me now that I’m a mum. Each time I hear them, I get a lump in my throat, I fight back tears and my heart soars. And I feel an overly personal connection to the stranger who’s bestowed them upon me.
Ask any new mum and I bet at one time or another she’s felt on display. I’m sure we’re not actually on display, but I think there are a number of reasons why we feel like we are. Babies are magnets — it’s a rare outing where Laura and I aren’t stopped by a stranger who smiles at her, plays with her or comments on her cuteness. My little one is the first grandchild in both my family and my husband’s, so news of her latest adventure is proudly relayed among relatives and friends. I recall attending a friend’s twenty-first birthday party many years ago. My friend and his fiancée had just had a baby, and this was the first time many of us had met their daughter. Someone noted that it must be difficult for his fiancée, with every guest at the party watching her to see how she’s coping. Even back then I remember my heart going out to her, and now that I have a baby of my own, the sentiment has a whole new meaning for me.
Four and a half months in and I still feel it’s a reflection of my parenting skills when Laura doesn’t fuss or cry for an entire outing. I schedule our activities around her feed and sleep routine, so when I leave the house I know I have a well-fed and well-rested baby in tow. Or I schedule her feed and sleep routine to work in with an outing, which means a whole day of planning if we’re going out in the evening. And I try to have ‘escape routes’ planned in case something goes amiss. It’s for this reason that I avoided doing the groceries by myself until she was eight weeks old. I felt I would be trapped if she started crying inconsolably while in the supermarket. What were my options? Try to complete the task and hope the other shoppers didn’t mind hearing a baby cry? Or abandon a half-filled trolley and run?
Despite setting things up for the best possible outcome, sometimes it all goes south. When Laura was three months old, we went out to dinner with friends. It had been one of those afternoons where she just would not go to sleep, even though we tried every trick in the book. This meant she was beyond overtired when we got to the restaurant, and you fellow parents will know what this means. I was sure I wasn’t imagining those disapproving looks from other diners. I remember wanting to apologise to our friends and make a hasty getaway. Then, while I was cuddling her on the footpath outside, a little old man who had finished his dinner and was leaving came up to us, put his hand on my arm and said, ‘She is such a good baby.’ I think I did cry a little that time.
I will admit that my fondness for Laura’s Baby Clinic nurse is not because she is a caring, knowledgeable professional who also asks about my health and wellbeing (although she is and does all these things), but because she is full of praise: ‘You’re doing a wonderful job with her’, ‘I’m so happy with her development’, ‘I can’t believe she’s doing that already’. She has a way of reassuring me that I’m on the right track, providing guidance and building my confidence in my abilities as a parent.
At the end of the day, I do know that I'm a good mum, regardless of whether someone else confirms this for me. I also know that a crying baby does not equal failure as a parent. My mother tells me: at four months of age my daughter was sleeping for 11 hours at night because she’s happy and her needs are being met (I like to think this is true and that it's not just due to luck). Laura herself verifies this every time her face lights up when she sees me.
Still, every so often it's nice to hear that you're doing a good job. So next time you're talking to a new mum, don't forget to send a little praise her way. You may make her day.
