A new identity

Before Laura became a part of my life, there were many things that made up my identity. I was a career woman, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister. I loved fashion, fine dining, Sunday brunches, drinks with the girls, curling up on the couch with a good book, travelling, lazing on the beach, and nutting out a problem while running.

When I was pregnant, I had to put some of these things on hold. A glass of bubbly was replaced by a glass of the non-alcoholic variety. I stopped running as soon as my growing tummy started bouncing uncomfortably along in front of me. My husband and I took a trip to the beach a couple of weeks before my due date, but I was too self-conscious to want to do anything other than take a short stroll. And as for fashion … let’s just say that I spent the better part of nine months feeling like I wasn’t me. (Mind you, this wasn’t from lack of trying — I searched maternity shops all over Brisbane to no avail.)

Now that Laura is here, other things have taken a backseat. My attention span is currently almost as short as my daughter’s: the best I can manage is to read a magazine article — over two sittings. Meals involve my husband and me taking turns to inhale our food while the other entertains our little one. And lazing on the beach is still a thing of the past, but for different reasons: sun is not good for a baby, and what parent has time to laze away an afternoon?

As these parts of my identity were shelved, a new one emerged: I am a mum. My daughter’s needs come first. I constantly worry about her — is she too hot, is she too cold, am I facilitating her development, why is she crying, why haven’t I heard a peep from her? I prepare for her upcoming milestones (like moving her from the bassinet into the cot and introducing solids) and I schedule her vaccinations and Baby Clinic visits. Where I used to enjoy putting together an outfit, hairstyle and make-up for the day, I’m now happy if I’m dressed and my hair is brushed before she wakes up. And yes, she is my main topic of conversation, despite thinking that would never happen to me. No smile, gurgle, sneeze or movement is too small an achievement to tell someone about!

I love my new role, but I am a big believer in balance. And I liked who I was in my pre-mum days. I need to continue to enjoy the things I used to before parenthood. (Although I have accepted that some activities are a thing of the past until she’s much older, like sleeping in on Sundays.) So, how do you incorporate motherhood into your self, without losing who you are?

A piece of advice I was given before our family became a threesome was to teach our child to fit into our lives, rather than the other way around. Thankfully, Laura can be very adaptable (that’s not to say she isn’t a tad stubborn at times; she does take after her mother). She enjoys travelling in the car (the furthest we’ve tried is two hours), which means we’ve been able to get out of the city on day trips. Now that she can grab and hold her toys, she can amuse herself long enough for my husband and me to have almost-leisurely brunches … most days. She’s even learned to sit contentedly in her pram while I push it (and her) on my afternoon runs.

Of course, we’ve also happily adapted our lives for her. I am extremely lucky to have friends who will have a girls’ night in with me, or who have children of their own and so think nothing of a noisy, distracted coffee date that can end quite abruptly. I don’t mind organising my day around her feed and sleep schedule. I honestly enjoy ‘date night’ dinners at home. As a girlfriend and mum of three said, ‘I don’t need to go out for a date night, I just want some time where my husband and I can connect as a couple.’

That’s not to say that occasionally stepping out sans baby isn’t necessary in order to achieve balance. My husband and I were recently given the opportunity to go out for dinner, thanks to a babysitting offer from Laura’s grandparents. I’ve also caught a movie at the cinema with a girlfriend, for which I’ll admit I was most excited about wearing a chunky necklace that simply isn’t practical when you have a little one who grabs at and puts everything in her mouth. Interestingly, as much as I needed the ‘mummy’ and ‘mummy and daddy’ time, I found I couldn’t switch out of maternal mode — I missed her terribly and had to resist phoning and checking up on her.

The way I see it is that I will always be some of the things I was before I met Laura — wife, friend, daughter and sister — although perhaps a more distracted version. I will continue to be a career woman (feeling apprehensive about leaving her when I return to work will likely be the subject of a future blog entry). I am myself again when it comes to dressing up, and much to my husband’s amusement my personal style now encompasses my daughter. Eventually girls’ nights, travelling and beach getaways will become part of everyday life again, and some of these things will be enriched because they’ll no longer involve just my husband and me.

And now my identity includes being a mother, and all that comes with it. I will happily swap a sleep-in for her kisses and a good book for her first step because Laura is my best achievement. You see, I haven’t lost myself; there are just more things that make me who I am.