A working mum: the right choice for me

Laura will celebrate her first birthday in four weeks' time. Which means that in four weeks' time I will be returning to work.

It seems like everybody has an opinion about working mums versus stay-at-home mums. And it seems like lots of mums feel guilty to some extent about their choice. A long time before Laura came along, my mum girlfriends would talk to me about their own dilemma. The main themes were 'If I work, I miss my kids', 'If I don't work, I go stir crazy' and 'I wish I didn't have to work, but I need to bring in an income'.

Recently, I met with my boss to confirm my return to work. Afterwards, I feel excited and exhilarated, but also apprehensive. It is comforting to know that I am still able to talk intelligently about the work I do, and that I'm not fazed about jumping into familiar as well as new processes. My apprehension is about putting Laura into day care. I worry that she's too young to be away from me. I worry that someone else will be playing a part in 'raising' my child, and what the outcome of that may be. I worry that I'll miss some of her milestones, like her first steps. I worry that she'll forget who I am. On the other hand, I have confidence that she'll thrive in its social environment.

Whenever I tell someone that I'm going back to work, I feel I have to justify myself: 'I love spending time with my daughter, and I took this year off so I could fully enjoy her, but I need to use my brain in a different way again'. I find myself explaining my choice to everyone, even other mums (both those who work and those who stay at home), our Baby Clinic nurse (who is a working mum) and my female boss (who is also a mum and who I'm sure is happy to have me back at work). I feel as though by saying I'm going back to work, I'm actually saying I'm not maternal, or I don't love her as much, or I put my needs ahead of hers. All of which couldn't be further from the truth.

Before my husband and I had even decided to start our family, I thought that I'd like to be a stay-at-home mum. I envisioned doing the school drop-off and pick-up, preparing afternoon tea when my children got home from school, and overseeing homework and supervising their outdoor play time before dinner. My mum chose to stay at home to raise my brother, sister and me, and she did these things for us, and so I wanted to do them for my kids. However, when the time came to apply for maternity leave, I knew I wanted to take 12 months.

When I was pregnant, someone told me, 'My wife felt that six months was too soon to go back to work. But by 12 months, she was more than ready.' I've found that this has been my experience. Laura has enriched my family life and added another dimension to my identity, but it's important to me that I make sure my life is still balanced in its other areas. And because I am blessed to have a job that I love, and one in which I am still learning and growing, returning to work is an important part of this balance.

As the spouse who isn't the main breadwinner, I feel an additional element of pressure about the decision to be a working parent versus a stay-at-home parent. For my husband, there really isn't a question about him working full time or not, so he doesn't have to wrestle with making a decision on the matter. For me, though, it is a lifestyle and parenting choice. At what age do I (and hubby) think it's okay for Laura to start day care? And for how many days a week? When do I want to start working again? When do I need to start working again? How important is my career to me?

Despite my fears, I know what is right for me. I'm not second-guessing my choice. It will be hard (I'll miss her little face), and I'm somewhat in denial that it is happening. It helps that I'm completely confident and comfortable about the day care we've chosen. To be the best parent I can be, I need to be the best version of me, and for me that means living a well-rounded life.